okies .. mr tan and i are finally back together after days of seperation .. hopefully this time round things will turn out well (: .. don't want to lose him ever again ! trying my best to change to be a better girlfriend =)

for the past few days when we were not together, i keep thinking life is unfair to me .. but during that period of time i really see who are my real true friends, yi ting, aliff, clement really never failed to stand by my side during that difficult period of time .. they accompanied me through the night just to ensure that i am alright, they tried to force me to eat cos' i really didn't eat at all during that period of time, even though ting and aliff were tired, they kept themselves awake to accompany me .. i was really touched very very very touched ! and not forgetting saab, mama, ashraf and fique, they rush down to clementi to find me cos' they worry i will get into trouble since i am alone outside hahas but well i was at home already =X hui yi was also really worry about me hahas, she said i nearly gave her a heart attack .. thanks girl though you was so troubled with your problems but you are still caring towards me (:

well how can i forget my baby, though we were friends for that few days, he still cared a lot for me, he still worry about my whereabouts maybe thats why i couldn't let him go and that made my life more miserable ..

BUT that's all the past ! what matters is now and the future (: i am gonna cherish this relationship with my life and never let the same mistake or let history repeat itself !

I LOVE YOU BABY ! (:

can someone just shoot me right thru my heart and let me die .. i don't want to live on this earth anymore i just want to disappear from here .. there are too much pain too much till i cant handle it myself .. i have to bear the pain of losing him is already bad enough and now another harsh reality awaiting me to accept it .. i want to run away as far as i can ..

i can no longer pretend to be strong i can no longer do that ..

boo these 2 days slept for only 6 hours but miraculously i am not tired hahas cos' i am like a pig i have to sleep for at least 10 hours a day .. yesterday i spent the whole day outside, it's really a good distraction therapy hees cos' at least i won't think too much and cry like one kuku .. met ting for dinner at pizza hut then all of the sudden got the urge to sing hahas so we went kbox at clementi sing from 7 till 1115 WOOHHOOOOS so shiok ! BUT also had a good time crying whenever i sing emo songs hahas while ting entertaining herself like some siaos char bo =X ..

throughout the day i switched off my phone so i will not keep looking at it hoping there will be a sms from him .. guess i will just do that for the rest of the days, it really works (:

after kbox off we go to west coast, found a good spot to sit down and talk by the sea .. hahas didnt cry much this time round though everytime i talk to ting about the happy times we had in taipei, tioman, ipoh, underwater world and at sentosa, tears just welled up in my eyes holding back and fighting back my tears .. i tell myself i cannot cry =( okies side track a little bit, yesterday night got this pervert masturbating behind us EEEEEWWWWW damn disgusting, a little bit scared he will attack us from behind =P but went aliff came he immediately left PHEW ..

yeahs didnt expect him to message me and call me to ask where am i, well i should be contented that at least he cares but i know it's a friend to friend care .. but i told ting i was happy hahas sound so stupid =X

aliff drove us to this ''mama'' coffee shop along harbour front road and we drank teh tarik yummy =P we chatted for hours then decided to head back to mac cos' ting hungry mahs PIG ! she eat and eat non stop hahas .. yesterday we went pizza hut she ate at least 3 to 4 slices of pizza, i cant even finish 1 slice though i am hungry but no appetite .. my appetite decrease by a lot and really a lot nowadays this is a good time to JIAN FEI ! wahahahahahas ..

before heading to my house, i chatted with ting about her r/s and i chatted mine .. i felt guilty cos' when i heard that ting can ''hong'' ashraf but i never do so and she can call ashraf every night but i always complain about calling him cos' if he calls me i can lie on my bed comfortably instead of sitting at the living room sofa .. yeahs i felt i didnt do much about this but well i told myself if i ever have a bf again i will not let these happen i will be more initiative and i know guys need to be pampered at times too (:

My to do list for this week, it's packed and i am happy with it (: -

Today- going out later to accompany aliff to town and queensway to buy his things, go with ting to bukit merah to collect her salary, head to granny house to collect yiping pressie cos' cousin left it there, go to chinatown to buy some things ..

Wednesday: slack at home first then at 5pm meet ting for dinner at bukit batok, accompany her till she starts work (:

Thursday: going out with ting and ping to west mall cos ting need to work so cant go out to somewhere further ..

Friday: hopefully fique, saab, maesh are willing to stay overnight at the airport so that we can send ting and ashraf off .. and i didnt want to be at home (:

Saturday: meeting him cos i initiated it, just enjoy my day cos' it may be the last meet up hahas .. giving back things to him like his vcd, luggage key, and his basketball jersey .. give him back everything once and for all cos ' at least it doesnt give myself a reason to want to meet him again .. unless he initiated it .. i tell myself i have to smile even if i feel like crying .. to show him i am strong even when i am not (: i didnt want to cry cos' it make me sound like some despo wanting him back again .. i have thought it thru' just let nature takes it's course i cant force things that are not meant to be mine, to be mine ..

Sunday: most probably going queensway to buy a pair black color track shoes for work and maybe walking around alone to waste time off

Monday start work ! +_+ so dreaded hahahahahas (:

oh yeahs i just got to know that maesh, ashraf, fique and saab rode their motorbike and trying to find where am i on sunday hahas cos' i didnt went home straight from his house i went to somewhere near my house wanting to cool down but i didnt tell ting where i go and she was so worried, ting told them to find me =X hahas super duper touched really (: these are really true friends hees ..

guess you have move on from this pain quite fast, while i remain stasis there, maybe just one fine day my heart is willing to let go and move on but when will that day arrive?

it's 630am early in the morning i couldn't get to sleep .. the moment i open my eyes tears just roll down, i feel like an idiot .. life is so unfair why did it happen at this time when work is starting soon and i have to pick up myself fast by this sunday cos' i dont want it to affect my work .. yeahs it's no longer schooling, it's really working .. i am scared, i don't know will work stress + this thing makes me go bonkers ..

i tried to sleep but i can't, i went to bed at 1 i cried and cried till i don't even remember what time did i close my eyes, and just when i was deep asleep i dreamt about the happy times in tioman trip, i woke up from my dream, yeaps it's all just a dream and i am right here sitting in front of my computer crying again .. i tried to stop but everything around me seems to remind me of him ..

even simple things like moving his contact under '' all my darlinz'' to ''friends'' seems so difficult for me, when i saw his msn nick no longer have ''boy love girl'', i manage to move him to ''f'riends'' but once he offline i cried again and move him back to where he originally was .. msn is such an idiot i tried to change my display pic but it didnt allow me to ..

i want to delete the photos but i couldn't bring myself to do so all i do was just to look at them and smile while crying .. i still cant bear to change his name in my phone to keen hong .. it's still baby cos' i just feel yesterday was just another quarrel, today everything will go back to it's orginial place .. but i know it will never be the same ..

i want to tell him i miss him i really really do i want to tell him i want him back i dont want this r/s to be gone just like that, i want to tell him i am not happy being like that, i want him back .. back into like how when we first started .. but i didnt dare to sms me, yeaps my first time not being able to press 'send' to him .. i don't want to affect him cos' he is schooling today, i dont want him to know i need him badly cos' i keep telling myself i have to be strong at least in front of him, i want to show him i can still move on though i know i am not moving anywhere, i dont want him to find me a nuisance or an irritating person that keep spamming his inbox .. i want to show him without him i can still live on .. but i cant i really cant ..

only the person who make you cry, can make you stop crying ..

yeaps .. we are officially over .. i promise myself i will be strong at least in front of him .. tears still keep flowing unknowingly after so long but i promise i will never again cry in front of him ..

i don't know how is life gonna be .. i have to adapt single life all over again .. i have to go thru' emotions turmoil all over again .. i have to go thru' shitty days all over again .. yeaps i feel i have dropped to the bottom pit unable to climb out from it, i feel like shutting myself from the rest of the world, i wish that when i wake up tmr all was just a nigthmare that never happened but i know i will be decieving myself cos' in reality it did happen, i know i can't run from it forever .. but right now i just want to keep running from everything till i get tired i will stop ..

yeaps no more you .. that how life gonna be ..

i dunno how am i gonna lead a life without mr tan in life, he plays an important role in every tiny bits of my everyday .. can someone just shoot right thru my brain so that i can forget everything?

now all i wish is there will be a turn back for both of us but i know it's difficult .. i need you back badly, can you see it, can you hear it? =(

everything is solved, we talk it and we cry it out, everything is back to normal (: wooooohhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooos !!!! never gonna let this happen again ..
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you can just simply give an excuse that you are tired and when i ask you why didnt even message me the whole day .. if you can have the energy to play basketball with your friends till 11 in the night why can't you even give 1 minute to your gf, at least drop me a message will make me feel good cos' i know you care .. you said i went out with friends i didnt tell you then did you even bother to tell me .. always wait till i messaged you then you are willing to open up your golden mouth to talk .. no not even talking on the phone i remembered we didnt talk on the phone for a long time cos you always say you are tired so fine .. or even i sms you, you reply me with less than 5 words ..

keep asking me for his number cos you wanna confront him, i didnt want to give you .. told you i scolded him already .. you answer me in such a sarcastic way ''is this call scolding'' .. yeahs at least i know how to defend you i didnt close my golden mouth and not fight back for you ..

i didnt know what's i did so far are all my fault .. you told ting it's seriously not your fault this time .. yeahs so be mine then cos' it has always been like that .. whatever i say you will definitely have something to argue back so what for i talk .. your friends said i am bad-tempered, see who is the one with the bad temper now..

tears just keep flowing down .. i am pissed off with everything .. everything in my life !!!!!!!!!!!!! argghhhhhhhhhh

why does a relationship always comes to a point that it gets stale .. the girl or boy will start to wonder if i really understand him/her.. if i really want you or it's just another relationship that is gonna end soon .. it gets very tiring to try to understand a person .. it's so weird, when a girl and a boy just got into a relationship everything doesn't seems to matter .. everyday is like honeymoon for them but as time goes by, they realise they just doesnt suit each other and they have all the while been blinded by love ..

well i am just bored, so these thoughts just run through my mind ..

Labels: Random thoughts